| Almost finished moving from LF to V, and as a weloming gift on behalf of the city, I get a window in my car smashed and my stereo stolen. Happy days. Plus an early morning wake-up call at this glorious hour. Gods I hate this fuckin city - I really do. May have grown up here, but it's horrid compared to the lifestyle I've gotten used to in LF. So now I'm sitting up, waiting for the police department to show up and make a report, then I've got to call my insurance and see if I've got theft coverage on my plan - random acts of God was not covered when my previous car went up in flames, so I'm hoping they'll give me good news and tell me this break in is overed at least a little bit. I've got a window to replace, a stereo to take care of, a police report to file/have them file, insurance company to call, alarm to install in said car, old place of employment to call and whine at because no one's doing the yearly raise reports for cafe, and it's not even 7am.
I feel like screaming and cursing at something right about now, I really do.
At least nothing sentimental was taken, not like the time both my Mum's house and her parent's house were broken into. It's just a car window and a stereo - right, keep repeating that to yourself in hopes that the theft is covered under the plan and you won't have to pay for this.
Fucking city. | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment   |
| yoinked from ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) bettinamarie who 'swiped this from Molly!XD'
HAVE YOU EVER:
( ) Smoked a cigarette.
( ) Smoked a cigar.
( ) Smoked a joint.
( ) Crashed a friend's car.
( ) Stolen a car.
(x) Been in love.
( ) Had a threesome.
(x) Been dumped.
(x) Shoplifted...er
(x) Been fired...again, er
(x) Been in a fist fight.
(x) Snuck out of the house...got caught one of the times
(x) Had feelings for someone who didn't have them back.
( ) Been arrested.
(x) Made out with a stranger...never mix alcohol, cons, and totally out of town...
( ) Gone on a blind date.
(x) Lied to a friend.
(x) Had a crush on a teacher.
( ) Been to Europe...almost this past year,but was too broke...;.;
(x) Skipped school...many a time...one time right in front of security too...
( ) Seen someone die.
( ) Had a crush on one of your myspace friends.
( ) Been to Canada.
(x) Been to Mexico.
(x) Been on a plane.
(x) Seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show.
( ) Thrown up in a bar...not old enough to enter a bar yet...o.O;;;
( ) Purposely set a part of yourself on fire.
(x) Eaten Sushi...yummy
( ) Been snowboarding.
(x) Met someone from the internet in person.
( ) Been moshing at a concert.
( ) Been in an abusive relationship.
(x) Taken painkillers.
(x) Love someone or miss someone right now.
(x) Laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by.
(x) Made a snow angel.
(x) Had a tea party.
(x) Flown a kite.
(x) Built a sand castle.
(x) Gone puddle jumping.
(x) Played dress up.
(x) Jumped into a pile of leaves.
(x) Gone sledding.
(x) Cheated while playing a game.
(x) Been lonely.
(x) Fallen asleep at work/school.
( ) Used a fake ID.
(x) Watched the sun set.
(x) Felt an earthquake...I live in SoCal...nuff said
(x) Touched a snake.
(x) Slept beneath the stars.
(x) Been tickled.
(x) Been robbed.
(x) Been misunderstood.
(x) Pet a reindeer/goat.
(x) Won a contest.
(x) Run a red light...heheheheheh, oops...
( ) Been suspended from school.
( ) Been in a car accident.
(x) Had braces.
(x) Felt like an outcast.
(x) Eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night.
(x) Had deja vu.
(x) Danced in the moonlight.
(x) Hated the way you look.
(x) Witnessed a crime.
(x) Pole danced.
(x) Been obsessed with post-it notes...stuck them all over the compie at work when it screwed up and the log thingy was missing...convinced my coworkers to join in the fun too ^^
(x) Walked barefoot through the mud.
(x) Been lost.
(x) Been to the opposite side of the country.
(x) Swam in the ocean...again, SoCal
(x) Felt like dying.
(x) Cried yourself to sleep.
(x) Played cops and robbers.
(x) Recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers.
(x) Sung karaoke.
(x) Paid for a meal with only coins...erm, two days ago...again ^^;;
(x) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't.
(x) Made prank phone calls when you were younger.
(x) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose.
( ) Caught a snowflake on your tongue.
(x) Danced in the rain.
(x) Written a letter to Santa Claus.
( ) Been kissed under the mistletoe.
(x) Watched the sun rise with someone you care about.
(x) Blown bubbles.
(x) Had a bonfire on the beach.
( ) Crashed a party.
(x) Gone rollerskating.
( ) Had a wish come true.
(x) Worn pearls.
( ) Jumped off a bridge.
(x) Screamed the word penis in public.
( ) Ate dog/cat food.
(x) Told a complete stranger you loved them...hugged them too...beware of me in public when I've had way too much caffine...
(x) Kissed a mirror.
(x) Sang in the shower.
(x) Owned a little black dress.
(x) Had a dream that you married someone.
(x) Glued your hand to something.
( ) Got your tongue stuck to a flag pole.
( ) Kissed a fish.
(x) Worn the opposite sex's clothes.
( ) Been a cheerleader.
( ) Sat on a roof top.
(x) Screamed at the top of your lungs.
( ) Done a one-handed cartwheel.
(x) Talked on the phone for more than 6 hours.
(x) Stayed up all night.
(x) Didn't take a shower for a week.
( ) Picked and ate an apple right off the tree.
(x) Climbed a tree...fell out it too...well, one of them at least...
( ) Had a tree house.
( ) Are scared to watch scary movies.
(x) Believe in ghosts.
(x) Have more than 30 pairs of shoes.
(x) Worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say.
( ) Gone streaking.
(x) Played ding-dong-ditch.
(x) Played chicken.
(x) Been pushed into a pool/lake with all your clothes on.
(x) Been told you're beautiful by a complete stranger.
(x) Broken a bone.
(x) Been easily amused.
( ) Caught a fish then ate it.
(x) Caught a butterfly.
(x) Laughed so hard you cried.
(x) Cried so hard you laughed.
(x) Mooned/flashed someone.
(x) Had someone moon/flash you.
(x) Cheated on a test.
(x) Have a Britney Spears CD.
(x) Forgotten someone's name.
(x) Slept naked.
(x) French braided someone's hair.
( ) Grown a beard.
( ) Belong to the KKK.
( ) Rule at life.
( ) Own at least one Gun
o.O That's quite an impressive number of little x's up there...I'm actually surprised by the number of them.
Off to sleepy now, work at noontime... | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | the sound of firecrackers popping | | Subject: | AnimeExpo 2005 | | Time: | 09:30 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/sleepy.gif) sleepy |
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| Well cats and kittens, I made it back from AX 2005 alive and mostly sane, so I guess it's time for my con report. This year we're going to do this by day, or as close to by day as I can remember - I'm running on very few hours of sleep since Thursday morning, so those of you who were there with me, please forgive my raping of our con and those of you who were not, sucks to your assmar!
( The madness begins )
I know there was more drama involved with the weekend but I honestly didn't want to type all that up so you'll have to live with this.
And yes, we - being Wendy and I - are fully aware that Raven is a major playboy and tease, we don't care. We're not looking for a serious relationship with him, just a friendship with a nice benefit 'plan', and come on, can you resist him? So for now, con is over for another year, though we are thinking about heading up to Lancaster for AniMagic this fall, and are hoping Raven might be able to join us. Otherwise, we shall see a good number of those we met this year next year, and a good number throughout the course of the year.
Until next year, this con report has been brought to you by the letters 'O,M,G' and the number '1026', catch you next year cats and kittens! | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | O-zone | | Subject: | Still falling | | Time: | 06:38 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/scared.gif) distressed |
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| Talk about a serious dampening of my plans; because of my issues these past couple of semesters I've been put on academic disqualification at Saddleback. So no classes for me in the fall unless I can give them a valid reason why I've been failing so many courses, and I doubt that the claim that I've been suffering from psychiatric illness is going to count, particularly without any sort of medical proof. Although, this isn't all that bad of news, I was hoping to have few classes so I could work as many hours as possible so I can afford the move next year.
Now I just have to break it to the family and hope it goes over well enough. I honeslty don't think my mum or stepda will care all that much, since neither went to college until now, and both can only claim high school diplomas. It's the grandparents, da, and stepmum that I'm worried about. I know I'll have to work fourty hours a wek to hopefully stay in my da's house, but worst comes to worst I can see if my mum'll tak me back in for the year. I no longer care about getting through college; which, to tell the truth, was never really that big a deal to me. It was what I was expected to do, what I was raised to do, but all I ever wanted to do was write. You don't need a college diploma for that, you don't even need a high school one to do that.
I was just going through the motions of what was expected of me without thinking about what I really wanted. Of what I could do, because I can't keep going through the motions with half of my mind screaming at me at all hours. I don't claim to be perfect, I lie too much, and everytime I fail to meet the standards set for me by my da and stepmum I fel myself slipping further and further down. Upholding the facade of normality at work and home is difficult enough for me to manage these days, trying to function at school, pass courses I've never wanted to take, and keep that facade going is killing me. I need to tell one of my parents what's going on in my mind before I crash worse than I did in high school -
- I think I'll call my mum and see if she can meet for dinner, or something, anything.
I need to do this in person not over the phone or via e-mail. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | out of range - ani difranco | | Subject: | It all falls apart | | Time: | 04:54 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/sick.gif) yet oddly determined |
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| Gods, just when I thought I was doing a bit better it all falls to pieces. I had a 'dinner date' with Da a month ago, or so, where I was givn the ultimadum - either you stop moping around and sleeping all day, go to class and prove your grades to us, we're kicking you out. So I signed up for two summer courses, since I figurd the shorter they are the easier they'll be for me to get through. I was right, I'm doing wonderfully in both, A's and all that jazz; but I get this letter from school today telling me that I've surpassed the max number of times I can attempt one of the courses so they have to drop me from it. The first time I'm doing great since I started college and they kick me out of the class. On top of that I failed all of those courses I tried during spring, but I can't tell them that, they'll hate me, I need this house for another year, then I'll be gone from it and can start living the way I know I can. Until then I have to keep this house.
I don't even care anymore, this fall I'm just going to take course I want to take, and screw that GE requirement to hell and back again. There's no way I'll get it done these next two semesters, but I have to be a fulltime student to keep Da's medical insurence, and I want that there. I need to find out if it covers psychiatric stuff, and if so, how much. I need to get myself straightened out - or at least, controlled enough so that I can function in the world well enough to survive out there. Even if it controlled means medicated, I need to do it, for myself, not for my family. I'm spiraling back out of control and this time I can't slow down. I have to break down and tell Da I want/need to see a therapist or something. He always asks me if everything's okay, and I always lie and say yes, but their taunting me as I say that, telling me that it's never going to be okay, and that I'm just going to spend the rest of my life being an absolute failure to my family and myself.
Oh, and I'm sick with some mutation of a cold too. I hate my life. Hate it so badly that I just want to end it all in one last defiant flash, but I'm too attached to it all right now. I want to get myself running, I want to succeed, I want to be able to look my family in the eyes and tell them I'm really okay. At the same time, I jsut want to slit my wrists to the bone and curl up on my floor. Bleed until I can sleep forever, no more people dragging me out of bed and forcing me through the motions of life.
I'm going to be a writter. I will make a living off of doing what I love. So this fall I'm taking all those courses I've wanted to take, but never have because of the stupid GE requirements. Starting this fall I'm going to live for myself, and the rest of my family's requirements and standards for me can just sit on the bench and stew, like my me time has for the past twenty years. This is my promise to myself, until I move out next summer, I live for me. Not for my Da, Cam, Kirb, Mum, Corb, Sarah, the Lumley's - not for any of them, I live for me.
I can only hope they'll support me, otherwise thing's are going to get rough.
It's time to be selfish. Time for a little serious me time. Time to catch up on what I've been missing for years.
Me - time to learn who that is. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Holy mother of my soul, how could I have gone so long without ever downloading one of HIM's songs? How did I manage to never hear their music? How, I ask, did I escape their ensnarement? Evidentally it only works for so long because I was all but dragged down to music during my called-in shift by Ian, who stuck the headphones on my ears and proceeded to blast one of HIM's albums straight to y brain. *insert fangirly squeals here* Not only is the lead vocalist total sex on a stick, but the lyrics just twist me up inside - in a good way, a very good way.
Anywhore, I just had to ramble about that. For once a good entry, the ranty entry is on my DA journal. Back to swooning to my newest cd. ^^; | | comments: Leave a comment |
| *tries to refrain from giggling like a loon at this hour* Everything is funnier after the sun goes down, especially if you're supposed to be sleeping, have you noticed that?
I'm thinking about shifting all of my book related blabber over to achaean but I'm not sure. If I do that it will leave this journal as my mostly ranting, slightly derrainged dailylife blabber place.
Gonna sleep on that thought....
....gods, I really need to stop making these trivial posts and post meaty entries.... | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Jessie's Girl - Frickin A | | Subject: | The Wall | | Time: | 01:18 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/ecstatic.gif) I'm being published!!! |
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| Dances about her room like a nutcase.
Guess what?????????? The story I submitted to The Wall - a literary magazine on my college campus - was accepted!!! I'm going to be published in this year's edition!! This is my first submission, and my first acceptance, so I can't help but dance around like a looney. Now I have to get my hands on a copy of it and read it, and keep it always as a 'trophy' of my first publication.
And that is all I have to say right now.
Goes back to dancing. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | I just want to live - Good Charlotte | | Subject: | Oh Glory | | Time: | 02:05 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/accomplished.gif) go taxes!! |
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| I just finished filling out my tax returns. *is very proud of self for managing the whole thing*
Spent Sunday down at Mum's. Went to church to bid good-bye to Brother Bob, the pastor I grew up with. It was a mess of tears, and I'm actually going to miss him even though I'm not much of a religious person. Also saw David and his new wife. Turns out she's preggers, which was one of the causes for the sudden wedding - the other was that they wanted Brother Bob to officiate the ceremony.
Went to DQ yesterday and learned that Ken died of a heart attack about a month ago. Saw that one coming.
Skipped Bio lab test today, will be going on Thursday.
The new scar is rather delicate I've noticed. It hurts if I stretch my wrist too far back, or if I knock it into something. *shrugs*
Bought a new dress and a new sweater-type top last night from Hot Topic. They were on sale, 50% off, and they're comfy as none other. Am currently wearing the dress as a shirt with a pair of dark blue jeans I don't like to wear unless I've got a long shirt.
Just thought you'd all like the completely ramdom update. Smooches. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | somethign from the '02 FiFa World Cup | | Subject: | Wedding bells are ringing | | Time: | 02:50 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/apathetic.gif) don't care anymore |
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| Found out Monday that my friend David is getting married tonight. It's an open wedding as far as invitations go, but I'm not sure if I want to go. I'll admit it, for most of the time I've known him I've had a crush on him, that's not the thing that's keeping me from going though. I'd have to drive down to Vista and back in one day, and this Sunday I'm making the trip down for our pastor's last service before retirement. The thought of making that drive four times within the span of a few days is annoying. It's sixty miles both ways and damned boring after you've made the drive multiple times over the course of - well, most of your life. I've been going back and forth over this distance for roughly ten years, only driving it myself for four or so, but still. Maybe he'll be there on Sunday.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And I think Da's mad at me, or with me. I didn't go to class today and I was being grumpy yesterday morning when he came to make sure I was up. Normally I'd say that I agree with him and understand where he's coming from but dammit I'm running as smoothly as I can. When he told me to start taking this natural suppliment that's s'posed to help even out your brain's chemical imbalances I knew that it wouldn't work for me. It's not strong enough to work on my imbalances. And I've been trying, really I have, but I have to prioritize what I can and can't do now, or the voices and urges will start screaming at me at bad times.
Do you know what I wake up thinking almost every morning? What would it feel like to chop off a couple fingers on my left hand? What does the bone look like through layers of skin and blood if you cut that deep? There's always this pressure behind my eyes, like someone's in my head trying to get out by pushing my eyes out of their sockets. I want to take a knife to someone and slit them open just to watch them bleed to death and feel the heat of their life against my skin.
I want to sign myself back into an asylum/hospital, but if I do I have to wait for them to sign me back out. You can't just sign yourself in willingly and expect them to release you when you say so. Even if you're over 18 it doesn't work that way.
I want to go back to the way it was before I could hear these voices and got these urges. I want to live, but I'm not so sure I know how any longer.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wrote a short story that I'm really pleased with. Am currently waiting the hear back from my uncle - who's an English prof - on his thoughts of it. Then I'll prolly make some changes and send it off to a 'zine for, hopfully, publication. Also drew a picture of the story's main character, a little girl named Angie. If you wanna read it go on over to my DevArt account and click on the deviation entitled 'I wanna be an angel'. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Today's the first day that I could take the bandaging off without worry of still bleeding on things my arm touched. I think maybe I should have gone and gotten it stitched up, yes? Looks all dark and bloody, save the edges -those look all white and this is creepy looking.
Woke up yesterday and had a panic attack. Twas not fun. Am currently taking this suppliment that my da and Sarah are taking too. S'posed to help with your brain chemistry and make you less depressed and crabby - to quote my da. I wonder if its going to work with me?
There was going to be more here, but I've gotta pee and I don't wanna leave this page open while I go. ^^;; 'Cuz you really wanted to know.
Oh! I'm having okashichan do a comish for me. Yup, that's my big news of the day.
Catch ya later... | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Say, did you know that deep wounds really do gape open? Yup, that they do, and they don't bleed at first either. They're just kind of white and creepy looking before the blood starts rushing out. How do I know this? I was bored and wanted to see just how deep I could cut myself. Yes, yes, bad monkey no cookie, stupid monkey, stop hurting yourself, etc. Woke up this morning with that thought stuck in my head - 'wonder how deep I can go before I chicken out?'. Tis better than this one - 'one finger or two? do I need all of my fingers on my left hand?'. Whoo, kind of shakey right now, the fact that I went that deep made me jump. Nearly got blood on the carpet on the way to the bathroom. Although, it's still bleeding even though I've plastered it up with bandaids. It might be deep enough that it should get stitched shut. Heh, I've got to leave for work now, here's to hoping that the bandaids stay put for my shift and no one asks me any funny questions.
I'm fine, really, I swear, I just wanted to know if I could hit a vein and if wounds really did gape open like little mouths. Okay, maybe I'm not okay, but let's keep shambling onward. I'll write again after work, promise.
...and no, I didn't do it because I wanted to die, I was just curious and the voices all agreed with my curiousity in the matter.
I am crazy, aren't I? | | comments: Leave a comment |
| Have been working and spent some time down in Vista these past couple of days, but am back up at Da's now. Nothing much going on with me. Sarah's decided that I don't get to use Zilko right now which effectively keeps me from scanning new art, as well as making it impossible for me to print out school papers too. Oddness, yes?
Otherwise, just reading a bunch during my Spring Break. Finished Wizard's First Rule and have started in on The Sword of Truth. Also read A Debt of Bones and will be reading Alta as soon as Cam shows up Saturday. ^^ Reading is fun, and if I didn't know Vanyel's story well enough to recite in verbally I'd be reading it again. ^^;
Working on my piece with the Wendy, and am closing in on 20000. Way behind but that's okay with me, I'll get it done in time. Nothing like the threat of the deadline to make you write more, ne?
I'm sure you're so thrilled to hear me babble on and on about my life, so I'll leave you with that and return to writing.
Raindrops keep fallin on my head/but that doesn't mean my eyes will soon be turning red.... | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I don't know what to do anymore. Half the time I spend curled up in my bed asleep, the rest of the time I split between work and school - mostly work though. I'm thinking I need to get out of here and drift for a while. Maybe the drifting will help me find out who the hell I am. And by sleeping, I do mean sleeping. I sleep on average twelve hours a day when I have the time.
Here's a general example of how I spend a span of 24 hours: get home from work at 12.30am, go to sleep at 5 or 6am, wake up at 3pm if I have to go to work, or just sleep until I can work up the energy to drag my sorry ass out of bed at somewhere around 3 or 4pm the next day. Half the time I don't attend classes and I can't work up the energy needed to explain my reasoning behind not going.
I'm afraid I'll just sit up one day in class, during a lecture, and start screaming. Or crying. Or bleeding from gouges frim my own nails. I keep them clipped short right now because of that fear, but I can still break the skin with them as nubs, I just have to try harder.
I haven't played with my blades for months, and no, you cannot be proud of me for that. It makes me want to curl up and sob at the addiction and pure need I have for them. In short, resistign has all but torn my walls down. I'm walking through each day like a gapping wound, and I don't know how to close it anymore.
Last time I was at work I was good for about an hour, then I rapidly went through this kind of phase and felt so lost that I nearly started crying right then and there, no matter that I was in the middle of taking someone's order. I spilt scalding water on my left hand too, and just laughed at the pain.
There are voices in my mind that are screaming at me for being weak, and voices that are telling me to just climb to some high place and see if I can fly. My skin itches all the time, and I usually have a headache. I don't eat much anymore because nothing likes to stay in my stomach. Except honeydew snow ice with boba, those like me.
I want to sit on my bed and slice open all the veins in my left hand. Just trace them with one of my blades and watch the blood drip onto my legs. No one seems to know what to do with me and I don't really care.
I want to write for a living, or maybe teach, but school hurts right now and I can't explain it to them. The words won't come to me. All I want to do is curl up in bed and sob, or run screaming out into the streets and do a brake check on the cars driving there.
The first step to a healty life is being cool with yourself, right?
Who am I? I just want to figure out who I am and where I fit in life, but all I can seem to do is fall to pieces again and again and again.... | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| Yup, my rather 'dead' username achaean is back up and running with this entry Blood Dance 1.1.
Now I just need to figure out where I left off in Switchblade in kalinx and update it to the current chapters.
Off to check on that before sleep claims me.
Oh! I did a complete overhaul of my DevArt gallery and uploaded some new pieces, go check it out. ^^ | | comments: Leave a comment |
| ~4.02 am~
So I'm sitting here not sleeping, reading this lovely piece of smut, and trying to revise this research paper due at 9am. Don't blame me for the meanderings of my own mind, or my procrastination, it was either work on it at this hour yesterday or today because of work. I've closed both nights prior to this paper being due, so after midnight is the only time I have available to work on it. Which makes me grumpy with my manager and some of the idiotic customers, but all in all rather calm. Not that I'm saying I'm just a ball of happy acceptecne for this crap but I'm not about ready to go screaming at people.
Sner, I should really consider getting more sleep than I do. My mind will be everywhere during class.
You know? I had so much more to say, but now that I've got this open and am typing I can't think of anything to say. I'll leave it open while I work on my paper just in case.
~4.09 am~
"No one had ever said something so smutty to him. It was so wrong. So exciting."
*dies laughinging in her head*
Oh gods, oh gods, that is just too funny of a series of sentences not to laugh at. Something so smutty. SMUTTY!!!!! I learned a new word to use in common speech. Now just watch me start using it when I'm talking to someone like my mother. *dies* I have no clue what she'd say to it, but damn, it would be funny. Positively smutty.
*dies*
Onwards to the paper!
~4.16 am~
I quit! It's good enough! The only way I could do anything more with this stupid assignment were to be given an entire week more to poke at it and let my Inner Editor tear it to shreds!
It's been well on four hours since I started revising this thing and I'm nowhere near satisfied with it, but I'll let it go because my brain is foggy and I know that if I keep working on it I'll end up sticking something like 'smutty' in there and not realizing it.
Hey? My ears are ringing.
Off to get a few hours of sleep before the mandatory schoolness. | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | beautiful people - marylin manson | | Subject: | Losing my mind | | Time: | 10:38 pm |
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| Da and Sarah went away for the weekend, and Granma went to Granpa's. I've got the house to myself and no work until Sunday night. And I'm going bloody mad.
The voices are running circles round my head, chanting and shrieking. Feels like there's some sort of pressure behind my eyes that's making me want to gouge them out and make it go away. My skin itches something fierce - like bugs are skittering through my blood and the only way to get rid of that feeling would be to cut myself open and bleed all my blood onto the floor. No one's here to see me break and I think I'm going to shatter to pieces. No one will be here to stop me or help me, but no one will see me lose my grasp on reality and spiral into madness. Hope I can put the pieces together before Sunday.
Oh gods, I'm going to lose my mind for the next twenty-four hours. Just have to keep from taking my eyes out and from skinning myself. Heh, easy enough yes?
Happy 20th year to me.
Gods. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| It's a quater past nine and I'm fighting to stay awake. There's something wrong with that statement. I'm an insomniac and rather nocturnal by nature - it's not like you can do what I do during normal daylight hours. Always seemed wrong to sit there, curled in my bed or the shower and watch the blood seep from the delicate engravings in my skin. Never mind that downing so much medication before sleep is a damn good way of saying that you don't give shit if you wake up. I was scared that night, almost too scared to sleep. Knowing that I had just taken half a bottle of tylenol and was planning to go to sleep made my heart pound painfully. But in the end I closed my eyes and allowed myself to drift to sleep. There wasn't a note or anything to say why and what I had done so that if i had died in my sleep no one would have had any idea. It was selfish of me not to leave something just incase, but I wasn't at the point of caring back then. Now I'd leave a note, but now I really don't feel like dying most of the time. Mostly I feel like bleeding to prove to myself that I'm human and can feel.
I know, I know, such a cliche way of 'excusing' my actions, but dammit I - no, I refuse to make any sort of excuses for my actions. I know I'm considerably more demented than the 'average' person and I won't make it worse by claiming that there's nothing wrong with my actions. Did you know that even scars as carefully delivered as these leave a slightly different texture to your skin? Feeling rather thoughtful currently, if you couldn't tell by the ramble and topics of said ramblings.
Can't help it, coming up on another birthday and they always make me think. Seven days and I'll be a year older. Possibly wiser, possibly dumber, who knows? This past year I've gained well over twenty new scars including the words 'I am not a quiter' carved into my flesh. I've gone through a wild series of rollercoaster emotions, screamed at one of my coworkers and then gone on to accidentally stab myself with a ballpoint pen in my fury. And I was mad that night. No, not mad, furious. I slammed the door at closing, rattling all of the windows in there. Broke both drop drawers in the safe. Sliced my fingertip on one of them. Stabbed myself with the pen and gone so quickly from fury to sobbing mess that I terrified myself. Jenny had to go get the bandaid and clean the stab wound before putting the bandaid on me. I'm still not sure how I managed to drive that night.
Did I mention I drove home from work last night/this morning - hard to tell what 12:30am qualifies as - screaming in my car? Well and giggling hysterically like driving was the funniest shit in the world. It was nice to let off some steam without having to worry about someone watching me and judging me. Can't do that at home.
I've downed more alcohol this year than the rest of my life combined, most of it in the company of a group of friends. Lots of vodka. And rum. And Bicardi. Debated the merits of smoking much more seriously than I will ever admit outloud. I wonder if it would sooth me? Hell, I wonder if I could find someone in my mix of friends who does something, anything, just some sort of controlled substance like acid or exstacy. I'll admit it here and now that I want to try some, and then I'll say that I don't want to. I just want to find a middle ground within my own boyd and feel like pushing it to its limits to do so. Bad I know. Not very good idea for me, or anyone.
I've also had more near flings with random men then ever. Alot like one night stands only not. There was Brian and the explorations of our hands at Rach's house and the three different guys at AX, none of whom I got names for. I know they don't sound like much, but I'm a recluse when it comes to any sort of relationships, and I only knew one of the guy's names. I don't do that kind of thing, but I already know that if my body decides to work with me at AX this year I'll do it again. Gods, if Raven decides to sing any song lyrics in my ear and prance over to flop beside me during his breaks or in the middle of a song I will fuck him. I don't care if he's older than I am by who knows how many years, or if he's already in a relationship, or if anything else pops up. He comes to me and I'll do everything in my power to have him inside me sometime during the course of the weekend.
I can't believe I just 'said' that. What in the world is Pet going to think of me? Oh gods, I don't care, I'm pretty sure she loves me no matter what I do or plan to do as long as I go on living some what safely, ne Pet?
Laura wants to come to AX with us this year, and I'll be damned if I'm going to make any sort of rules for our room aside from no sex in the room. If you want to drink - as I will be - it's on your own conscience to know your limits. Get me in trouble though and I will bust your ass. Before February is out I'll get a room lined up and hopefully get ahold of Pet and Ash to let them know about the room. Pet if you see this drop Ash a line, I'm not having any luck with the phones and her.
I need to call Laura tomorrow and see if she's available for a gab session. I need to talk to someone other than Wendy. Don't get me wrong, I love Wenders like none other but I need someone who's known for almost my entire life. Funny really, I still keep in contact with a woman I've known since I was five years old and right now I'm seriously wanting her company. No matter that she's dating a guy we've known since kidergarten or first grade. I like the easy comfort we have around each other. The ability to curl up in a pile of limbs and simply rest there. I think Wenders might be a bit uneasy around me if we were to do something like that. Not sure if it's the whole 'I like women just as much as men' thing or the fact that she hasn't known me for as long as Laura. But Pet and I can curl up like that no problem, and come to think of it, when we were at Ash's house I nearly dozed off with my head in her lap. I miss my Nee-chan and Medea, and the simple comfort of being able to curl up against them without having to worry about their reactions.
Gods it's 10:30 and I'm dying here. Don't worry, there'll be more rambling tomorrow after I get some sleep - after all, I've only got seven days to straighten out my thoughts on my past year of life before I pass into a new year of life. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | how do you get that lonely - blaine larsen | | Subject: | the joys of food | | Time: | 12:03 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/neko/kaokitty/pensive.gif) pensive |
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| Can't sleep so I'm sittng here typing a pointless entry for my own sanity. Do you realise how weird it is to look back at some of these entries and find myself shaking my head at my own stupidity?
But enough of that, I'll sit here and whine about my shortcomings later. Right now I'm eating a banana. Already ate a bowl of peaches. And that's all I've eaten today. Not hungry, been feeling nausious most of the time lately. Have work today after class.
Feeling the itch for the quick sting of a blade pushing through layers of my skin. And gods does it make me tense. Had a coworker comment on some of the scars on my left arm. For some reason they were highly visible that night, whether to torment me or just because I was worn to the bone, who knows, but I did hear a comment I wasn't supposed to hear. They wonder about me, I know they do. I don't tell them much about me. One of the MODs was asking me where I grew up when I made a fog joke that she didn't associate with SoCal born and raiseds. I told her I'd been born not 30 miles from where we stood and that I'd grown up here, but she asked if I'd ever spent time out of SoCal and I told her yeah. So of course she wanted to know where and I told her GA when I went to visit my mother via orders from the courts. Then I left under the pretense to go to the restroom and she was gone when I came back out.
Back to my banana and hopefully more later. | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| And there's nothing I can do about it.
My English Professor has assigned us an article to read and told us to summarize it. With no opinion. Close to two pages long. Summarize. Restate the author's point.
I can restate the author's point in a sentence and use a couple more to summarize the six page article, but I'm going to sound like a bloody idiot. And if there's one thing I pride myself in it's my writing. I don't want to sound like an idiot. I don't want to run the risk of making my professor think I have no idea how to write. If he weren't using this as a first impression of our writing abilities it wouldn't be such a big deal, but he is.
The last time I summarized anything was in elementary school. I've always been up in the front of my peers in writing. My dad likened it to a book report, but I haven't done one of those since elementary school either. In fact, I've had my teachers try to pound out the ability to restate and summarize because we had to write essays and papers that delt with symbolism, tone, and everything else. But not summaries!
A writing sample. The first time he reads our writing, and it's a ruddy summary of a stupid article! With no opinion, no thought, no nothing. Just restate the author, but take over a page to do it in.
I don't want to sound like an idiot in English.
But I'm going to and there's nothing I can do about it.
If my little sister understood the bigger words in this article she could summarize it just as well as I can, and she's ten!
*stomps around and growls* | | comments: Leave a comment |
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